2012 Joke Contest

2012 MENTAL HEALTH 
JOKE CONTEST
RULES:
Enter as many times as you wish 
We reserve the right not to post a joke in bad taste.
In the case of duplicate jokes, the joke with the earliest email date will be used.
Include State or Territory and Country. 
Contest Submissions -

Did you hear of the Doctor that opened his practice for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder patients only? He only had one patient, but has seen him 678 times. - Jojo NYNY USA

As the house is in a mess, would it be terribly wrong of me to host an OCD party? Mrs K Kent England

How many Peer Support Specialists does it take to change a light bulb? None because after some time the bulb learns to change itself, return to work, and shine brighter than it did before.  - BB CT USA (winner)
 
How many Doctors does it take to change a light bulb? - Its a trick question, You can't medicate a light bulb silly. - HT MA USA 
 
How many managed care employees does it take to change a light bulb?  - 5 one for the call center, one to hold the bulb, one to turn the ladder, one to do the billing. and one to tell us that bulbs are better off. SS Raleigh NC USA
 
How many Therapists does it take to change a light bulb? - I don't know but it would probably be a miracle - JAJ CT USA
 
In response to all the light bulb jokes providers have asked CMS for a billing code.  - Marc Jacques
 
Don't play stupid with me. . . I'm better at it. DMU - Essex England

Bien que les voix ne soient pas réelles quelquefois ils ont de bonnes idées. - Although the voices aren't real sometimes they have good ideas. - PP - Quebec Canada 
 
You're just jealous because the voices talk to me.  -SP Ireland 
 
What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand?
Kirmit's undivided attention.  - MRE USA
 
In the 70s and 80s I was hospitalized several times because I said that the federal Government was monitoring my phone calls and  tracking my movements. Then in October of 2001 they passed the Patriot Act and it was all true. I'm all better now. - MJ - CT USA
 
The dots and dashes on the highways are a secret message in code that only I can decipher. 
There is a round man in a red suit that sees my therapist.. He has a fear of Christmas Eve - he suffers from santaclaustrophobia. 
My imaginary friend parlayed my childhood fantasies into a multi-million dollar chicken franchise. 
I was never happy being depressed.  
I lost a bet that I could quit gambling.  
I do not recall being voted the Village Idiot, but my name was sure on the ballot alot. -MJJ  - Queensland Australia 
 
Annie Applegate, a patient in a mental hosp. saw Leroy, another patient jump into the lake at the edege of the hosp. grounds; in an attempt to drown himself. Annie instinctively jumped in and saved Leroy. The head doctor approached Annie the next day, and said: Due to your heroic action and concern for a fellow human being's saftey, we have decided that you are ready for discharge.  However, I am sorry to inform you that your good deed was in vain; Leroy hung himself in his room this morning. Annie replied, he didn't hang himself. I hung him up there to dry out. When can I go home? -DJ - USA
 
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold. -MB - USA
 
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb must really be motivated to change and it may take a long, long time. -WR USA

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Hey, let's go ride our bikes! -TO'N - USA
I read about this and thought you ought to know that this is not funny. Mental health is no laughing matter. I have a condition called CDO, which is similar to OCD, but the letters are in order, like they're supposed to be. -TO'N - USA

This morning I rear-ended a car. I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car.He was a DWARF! !He
 
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby." So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into mental institution.""Why?  " asked the head nurse. "Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts. Bernerd Corriville TN

Patient: Why did you give me the group rate? Psychiatrist:  You've got multiple personalities.   Frank =  Boston MA 

A woman entered a psychiatrists consulting room leading a kangaroo."I'm worried about my husband, doctor, " she said. "He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! "

Madness take its toll - Please have exact change ready - Out of my mind, back in five minutes. - My reality check bounced! - What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?" "You're fine, how am I? " - I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. - On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.  "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep" - Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have. - l don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! - Of course I'm in shape. Isn't Round a shape? - What kind of camera do manic-depressives use? Answer: Bipolaroids! - Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt. - Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don't give a hoot about anything I say. Psychiatrist: So? John  - Chaplin CT USA

 Definition of paranoia: Putting a condom of your vibrator. What's the difference between worry and panic? About 28 days. Husband - Do you believe in free love? Wife - Have I charged you yet? A man was trying to chat up an attractive woman in a bar and used his best line. "Haven't I seen you someplace before? "Yes" she replied "I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic" - MR Raleigh NC

Doctor Doctor I think I need glasses - You certainly do this is a Fish and Chips Shop. Doctor Doctor I think I’m a bell - Take these and give me a ring in the morning. Doctor Doctor I think I’m suffering from Déjà Vu! - Didn’t I see you yesterday? Doctor Doctor I think I’m a Duck - Why don’t you see a quack doctor?    - PJ Boise Montana

psychiatrist, a therapist and a peer walk into a bar.
The psychiatrist gets a gin and tonic.
The therapist gets a beer.
The peer gets dual diagnosed. - Pilot Tansy
   
OCD KNOCK KNOCK JOKE
Knock Knock - who's there? Knock Knock  - who's there? Knock Knock who's there? Knock Knock  - who's there? Knock Knock  - who's there? 
Knock Knock  - who's there? Knock Knock  - who's there? Knock Knock  - who's there? Knock Knock - who's there? Knock Knock  - who's there? Knock Knock -  who's there? Knock Knock -  who's there? Knock Knock -  who's there? Knock Knock  - who's there?  - Pete Huston Texas - Pete Huston Texas  - Pete Huston Texas - Opps sorry 

Did you hear about "OCD Magazine"?
They keep sending me yet another copy of the exact same issue, just to make absolutely sure I received it. -- Steven L. London England

A normal person is just someone you don't know well enough yet.       I know the voices are not real, but they sure come up with some great ideas. - I can't believe that cop just put me in the back seat!!! I clearly called shot-gun! -  I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to. - -  Insanity doesn't run in my family...it wanders slowly greeting each person with a smile and a cookie  - Amanda from Connecticut, USA

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of managed care reviewers?  He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.  - HP CA USA

Q. How is a hospital gown like Medicaid insurance? A. You´re never covered as much as you think you are. CP TX USA

   Today 4 out of 5 doctors recommend another doctor. 
   I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to. 
  We used to take life with a grain of salt. Now it is with 5 milligrams of Seroquil. 
  The psychiatrist used so many medicines he didn't know which one worked. 
  Socialized Medicine is where the psychiatrist lays down on the couch with you. 
  If laughter really was the best medicine, providers would find a way to charge for it. 
 It's not habit forming. I know. I've been taking it for twelve years now. - KP NY USA 
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